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Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Ralph and me

Ate good, just a little, a friend came over and visited, life was good!

I have to abbreviate this because otherwise I will hurl. We had bought trashbags that had odor control. DO NOT BUY THOSE CHEMO LADIES. The otherwise pleasing smell just made me hurl like I was possessed. Lucky I had not eaten much. It was the smell from the drawer! Poor DH just had to trade them out with a neighbor, the very thought of them, UGH.

I may give this advice to chemo save another. Was not expecting it and it was awful. Feeling better now, medicated and sitting very, very still.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Rest, recovery and rads

Slept and lay around for 12 hours yesterday. Think it really helped. Ate only an english muffin, right call as the Big D tortured me relentlessly. My rad doc said that it will take me a year to fully recover from chemo, rads and surgery. He said it was an assault I am going thru, and boy that sounded right. He is very caring and kind, just what is needed right now.

It is way early but so far I feel better today. Coffee is good, no nausea thank god, and slept well. I sure hope my nausea is behind me now.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Shoulda bought stock in Depends

I crapped my pants twice during this chit, and apparently, it ain't over. No shame, it is not like we want to do it. You are among friends.

The last one is hardest going in emotionally, for me it was. I try not to worry about after tx.....but do also wonder what will keep this chit away? 

Today so far is ok but it is early. Yesterday was an emotional mess, restless, GI issues, blech. Keep dreaming of my surgery and just cannot wrap my head around it even now. Everyone tells me the bmx is nothing compared to having that delayed so just a bmx for me now, no TEs til after rads. Sorry to ramble but my brain is all over today.

The future's so bright...

Just got back from my radiation oncologist. I really liked him, he is gentle and took a long time explaining the process and possible side effects etc. Also I learned from him that my MRI on both breasts does show something in my left breast, but it could be totally benign of course. No one ever mentioned anything going on in that one. He said that it probably doesn't matter in terms of dx, even if it is. But if there is something there we may have to radiate there as well. Apparently my boobs are just full of lumps. It's coming off anyway so no worries there...something tells me its benign, but whatevah.

So I will be getting 25 treatments total, to start after surgery has healed enough.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

The very lasta the Neuplasta

Slept really well and a lot. Let us hope it continues. The metal taste. Ugh, I will not miss that. Just came from LAST fucking Neuplasta shot, woooohooooooo! Ate some mac and cheese, homemade and it was good. I cannot go in the car again today, have Big D so near my toilet I must be. Yet another poem! 

I think I may just lay around all day, very fatigued, GI issues and not feelin like doing much. For the first time, no guilt about it. Mikey will do all the cleaning today, he is a gem. Off to pound Gatorade and watch Law and Order. 

2 days after LAST CHEMO

Slept lots last 2 days, and the dreaded Neulasta is today. This am woke up with raging big D, but I will medicate more for it and be good with food. I keep telling myself only 10 more days of feeling low, maybe less if I am lucky. I can do coffee today and that is a bonus. My sweet kitty did not leave my side all night, she knows!

No tree yet, they should have some out this weekend in the tent places. Monday and Tuesday are big days for me. Meet with radiologist and BS. I am sure to be busy shopping for my surgery supplies soon, as it will likely be within about 10-15 days! I am ready-ordered a cheap zip front sports bra online and will use the list from the board for the looking into big fake prosthesis now hahaha.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Thank you Plotnick

Today is my last free day before my LAST CHEMO, so the cooking madness continues. I really love to cook, and have improved alot from watching all the cooking shows. It is anxiety relieving for me. Got the best news yesterday, the medical bills I sent to the Sylvia Plotnick Foundation all got paid!!! They paid 1,500, so as of today, all my bills are paid! I cried. When I get back to work I am donating funds to this organization. No CEOs, all volunteer, incredible.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Fun in the Woods

Today is pack up prep day for weekend away in the RV in the woods. Going to cook burgers and hot dogs, (organic, no nitrates, grass ed, etc.) and try to be normal. Looking forward to seeing folks and not focusing on the big C. We ride our bikes slowly around the park, see wildlife and just relax in front of the campfire. Also our RV has all the comforts should I need those.

I go for labs today and to onco tomorrow am, and really resent it when I am forced to face reality. Today, yesterday, when feeling good I can almost pretend I do not have cancer at all. All this medical chit makes it real. Damn this real life.

Been educating myself on lymphedema, oh joy. I need to because I will have at least one node removed, and likely alot more plus rads, whic really ups my risk. I should become very skilled with my left hand because it is more common in right handed/right lymph node involved ladies. Super news!

Ech, sorry to be debbie downer but it is very, very depressing. I know it may not strike me, but then I never thought BC would either. AND I quit drinking so no nice glass of wine to sort me out! Hmmm maybe just a glass at camp.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Just chillin

Everyone seems better today, woohoo, me too! I made a very intricate chili recipe, lots of ingredients but very easy. It is unbelievable. Nice to cook, slow and low..... Worth the effort. What the hell, I can eat chili! It is a Christmas miracle!

I am going to bed very early. Slept so good last night, it was awesome...ready to do it again. Listening to Murder on the Orient Express on audible books each night, love it and so relaxing...had lucid dreams too. 

Cleaned my kitchen today and rearranged artwork, house looks better and cheery. I must have clean house. No stinky garbage, nice clean floors and really bothers me if I cannot clean. It gives me an outlet for my OCD too. So nice to have the house open, weather is stupid good. Hubby worked all day and had nice, much needed, alone time. Danced around the kitchen a little while jamming on 80's tunes.

I was not going to do my last round ladies, but wise chemo veterans here convinced me to. I feel powerful again, kick-ass. F&$@ cancer! This chit will be sooowwwwry it picked me.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Well, we can suck the fat outta your ass and put it....

Back from PS. She says best to not do anything till after rads. She says less chance of issues if TEs are put in place after rads have healed, and after fat graftings, so it's BMX, rads, heal, fat grafts, and TEs, then finally implants. No skin and nip sparing, because my cancer spread to at least one node. Works well for smaller sizes and I can stay a B cup size. Will take a year total. She wants nice healthy skin to work with.

I was disappointed but after hearing her explain that TEs should wait, I get it. So.....I will be flat for about 5 months or so till TE placement.

I am numb right now but feeling much as well! Have to get it together and post that later. Weird but in shock.

Lost in Perjeta Pass

Just finished the book Wild. I was almost done with it just before diagnosis. The parallels are unreal--loss, fear, rage, feeling unconnected and lost, dropped in an alien world devoid of safety...all the while searching for peace. Ha! That is my book review, loved it and the audio book is even better.

Feeling good this morning, hoping for some zip today.

Gave some advice to a newbie getting her port. Told her, it's uncomfortable, so take the pain meds. First time they use it, the iv liquids will feel cold, which is unpleasant but only for a few seconds. Also, you can "taste" the saline at times, so suck a hard candy during the flush procedure. Fun times!

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Why I oughta

Made Day Before Payday Fried Rice! It is real easy, delish and healthy and will not hurt me. So proud....that is the full extent of my activities today. Nauseated alot but able to eat.

My hairs are growin back too, weird lookin. My nails are growing like crazy. Polished them nice, they feel strong. Very fatigued all day, had to lay in recliner alot. I slept nice last night too! How nice that is. Goin down soon tonight too, not fighting it.

Listening to loads of old radio mystery noir type audiobooks each night and enjoying getting swept away. The language is lyrical and quaint. Lots of steamppunky London and old school America....The fellas are dreamboats and all the dames have great pins! I am such a dork.

NO more freakin' side effects! It is getting ridiculous. Candy does not like Mondays.

Thursday, November 6, 2014


I was sort of a data analyst pre BC. I analyzed how foolish people get during a divorce case! Nowadays I analyze Judge Mathis......

Feel sickly pregnant with an ill mannered, demon infested tumor baby. It is getting a chemo exorcism though.  

Mikey has a new method of telling people to shut their talk holes. Right when they begin with, "my friend had BC and..." He holds his hands updirectly in front if their mouth and says, "Before you say anything, does this story have a happy ending, or involve only positive information? We are not interested in anything else. Otherwise, stop speaking please." It has stopped more than one fool from ruining my day. 

My onco nurse promises that Herceptin alone is a breeze for most. Oh, cannto freaking wait till chemo is over. Fear going any place for 5-7 days post chemo as the big D is unpredictable. So I am a shut in mostly during that time. 

I am not working now so the days can be long and lonely. Way, way too much time to think.

So my next AND LAST tx is the Friday before Thanksgiving. Am gonna miss my nurses, but also never wish to see them again.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Last Dance with Princess Chemo

Someone in my chemo group articulated very well the emotional sequence we are now experiencing. In the beginning we had no time to process, we operate on adrenaline and guts, appointments and schedules consume us, and we fumble on. Now, with an end to chemo in sight and scary surgery ahead, our emotional needs come screaming to the surface. It happens in each sequence and will really hit when we are "done" with tx entirely. It made me feel better and understand that it is okay!  On the really good side, rads sound like a breeze compared to this. For most. 

So up early and doing much better so far. Yesterday had to lay prone nearly entirely lest I feel the nausea. Today I need to get things done, and hope to be productive and ship out ebay stuff and clean my cluttered house. Mikey is working all day again, good for us both. ICan actually feel hunger this morning, another good sign. 

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Port a Pissy

I of course have a port, but would prefer it be out after chemo, and use a vein for the Herceptin. The port sticks hurt, even when they freeze it. I never let them draw blood from the port, to protect against infection. 

My pal in chemo Eileen told me that she can eat spiced peaches okay, so I just took her advice and they are staying down okay. Had to force them though....better today but have a slight headache, darn it. Waiting till later to shop.

I love Mexican food. Oh, it was a gross error in judgment.  But it was all I wanted....and my body rejected it. That was a rough day. Today it's single serve frozen veggies, a few Stouffers entrees, and other ready made goodies. Including some excellent fried chicken! I have to toss out the lovely salad I made a few days ago, for some reason seeing it makes me feel sick. Well, I tried. 

Update: Made it to the store. Bought garbage like frozen dinners, ice cream, muffins. And some other stuff that Mikey can make himself. Was eating chicken wings in car like an animal driving home, a real fine moment for me! Sort of like the zombies on the living dead... guess I was hungry after all.

Don't cry for me Youtube

Never went out last night for Chinese, managed to eat some potatoes (what else). At least I am losing weight. Slept decent for a change, so will attempt the grocery this morning. I can drink coffee, always a good sign, so maybe today will be better. Looking forward to buying my LAST PACKAGE of Imodium today, wooohooo!  

Was so down yesterday. I went on youtube and watched inspirational videos of ladies after bmx, etc., and cried and cried! It was cathartic.....lots of good ones there by wonderful people. Not as scared now at least. All of them are so much younger than me too, sad.

Monday, November 3, 2014

I need a bucket now

Wish I could car ride but it gives me the worst motion sickness. Never had that before, good times! Really cannot eat anything either...hungry a little but mostly sickened. Would love some Chinese takeout...maybe...I think. Maybe if I drive instead of ride, I will not get car sick? They are open all night so I may make it there yet. Then again, maybe not. Puke, or eat? Think about food, and dry heave? Don't eat, and suffer endless nausea and stomach pains anyway? Hmmmmnnnn....choices.

Guess then I shan't be angry that my induction range is on the fritz and needs service. We had to turn off that breaker as it kept beeping incessantly, for no reason, today. So nice for one's nerves. At least I do not need it to COOK anything. I suppose the timing of my latest food aversions is a silver lining of sorts. My appliance is very considerate, yes?

Number 5 ain't a charm, and I just dunno if I can even do #6. I am just guzzling ginger ale tonight and plan to make it through the whole 32 oz bottle. White knuckling it and praying tomorrow is better.

Train, train...take me on outta this town

Keep thinking ahead and it is only ONE more, but this just sucks. I feel like a train hit me. Again with the Nausea, Big D, and worst fatigue ever. Last round was so good to me! Why? I am very very down. I barely moved yesterday and slept for crap, for 12 hours tossing and turning. 

Oh my god, the scary thoughts about the surgery. Keep dreaming of my onco performing major surgery while I am awake, and she just looks very bored. No distress for me during is the weird part-I am bored too! Also, she resembles Tina Fey. An even brainier version.

Gonna ask my PS if I can keep my nips and skin. Special K says it may be possible, but still means TE. Well.. I find out soon enough. I may decide to do a flap. I have no idea of what i want or am a candidate for. Too much to think about, overwhelming. So... give up for now.

This chit is kickin my ass.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Enough already with the friggin needles

I am gearing up for it-today is Neuplasta day. HATE it but must be done.
I hope my little heart is okay, all this chemo can damage it. This scares me. Will get another MUGA after chemo.

New odd SE yesterday with food-total aversion, but not due to nausea---just...could not care less. Ate zero all day and had no hunger pangs. Had to force myself to eat dinner, and a small salad. Things do lack taste. I will take it over the sick feeling, smell issues and the big D! Also, I slept for 14 hours so I guess this round knocked me out too. We are shopping after Neuplasta shot, then no plans except house stuff as SE allow. Hope to cook alot today, love to bake and it is chilly out. 
Yes, there will be cake involved. 

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Happy Halloween! Chemo #5 DONE

Chemo #5 went well, we actually had fun, thanks to the best nurses on the planet! They all wore some kind of head costume and we laughed the whole time. Even the head honcho nurse came in and took a photo of my witch drawing! They all know me now and lots made special trips onto our room to visit. It really touched me.

Coffee tastes a bit off today and already the taste buds are blown, but could be worse. It is finally getting cooler here, thank gawd. Cool weather in Florida is such a treat, rare and precious! Funny how alot of things strike me that way now. Guess I just am more aware.

Neuplasta and me. Only $7,500 per shot!

Chemo is one thing and Neulasta is another. But together, they made me feel toxic and miserable.

Simplified, Neulasta makes your bones produce more white blood cells, because chemo kills them off along with the cancer. We really need those WBCs as it turns out. My long bones ache deeply as if a horrendous flu is coming on. Claritin, of all things, takes the edge off. But I really begin to dread the Neulasta shot itself, because the needle is long and injected in the BACK of my triceps. It takes time to slowly push it, otherwise, it really hurts. I only have to protest the speed a few times. The syringes are a nightmare to look at. Mike says they remind him of the Terminator with their sleek, cold lines and strangely mechanical appearance. Soon I am calling it Newblasta, and laughing it off. But really those injections are awful and I will cry about them every time, in private, when no one is looking.