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Tuesday, December 2, 2014

This is your song

I am a big fan of black humor. It's a perfect accessory that works with anything-an abusive childhood, loss of love, sickness. It goes best with cancer, because cancer is an bullying asshole, and what is better than laughing in a bully's face?  I got such pleasure from flicking my cancer the bird. It took away its awful power and made others laugh. Here is a little song I wrote to the tune of, "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off". My nurse Donna and I would link arms and sing it while doing Rockette kicks down the hall.  Try it next time you are at chemo and enjoy giving BC the finger! 

Went to the doctor

Had a lump in my boobie
He took one look and said
Oh, this is not goody!

Perjeta, Herceptin

Here's a bucket you can puke in
Then we'll cut both tits off!

Months of chemo and alot of pill poppin

Soon it's surgery and a flat chest I'll be rockin

Perjeta, Herceptin

That radiation's gonna melt ya
After we have cut them off!!!

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Ralph and me

Ate good, just a little, a friend came over and visited, life was good!

I have to abbreviate this because otherwise I will hurl. We had bought trashbags that had odor control. DO NOT BUY THOSE CHEMO LADIES. The otherwise pleasing smell just made me hurl like I was possessed. Lucky I had not eaten much. It was the smell from the drawer! Poor DH just had to trade them out with a neighbor, the very thought of them, UGH.

I may give this advice to chemo save another. Was not expecting it and it was awful. Feeling better now, medicated and sitting very, very still.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Rest, recovery and rads

Slept and lay around for 12 hours yesterday. Think it really helped. Ate only an english muffin, right call as the Big D tortured me relentlessly. My rad doc said that it will take me a year to fully recover from chemo, rads and surgery. He said it was an assault I am going thru, and boy that sounded right. He is very caring and kind, just what is needed right now.

It is way early but so far I feel better today. Coffee is good, no nausea thank god, and slept well. I sure hope my nausea is behind me now.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Shoulda bought stock in Depends

I crapped my pants twice during this chit, and apparently, it ain't over. No shame, it is not like we want to do it. You are among friends.

The last one is hardest going in emotionally, for me it was. I try not to worry about after tx.....but do also wonder what will keep this chit away? 

Today so far is ok but it is early. Yesterday was an emotional mess, restless, GI issues, blech. Keep dreaming of my surgery and just cannot wrap my head around it even now. Everyone tells me the bmx is nothing compared to having that delayed so just a bmx for me now, no TEs til after rads. Sorry to ramble but my brain is all over today.

The future's so bright...

Just got back from my radiation oncologist. I really liked him, he is gentle and took a long time explaining the process and possible side effects etc. Also I learned from him that my MRI on both breasts does show something in my left breast, but it could be totally benign of course. No one ever mentioned anything going on in that one. He said that it probably doesn't matter in terms of dx, even if it is. But if there is something there we may have to radiate there as well. Apparently my boobs are just full of lumps. It's coming off anyway so no worries there...something tells me its benign, but whatevah.

So I will be getting 25 treatments total, to start after surgery has healed enough.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

The very lasta the Neuplasta

Slept really well and a lot. Let us hope it continues. The metal taste. Ugh, I will not miss that. Just came from LAST fucking Neuplasta shot, woooohooooooo! Ate some mac and cheese, homemade and it was good. I cannot go in the car again today, have Big D so near my toilet I must be. Yet another poem! 

I think I may just lay around all day, very fatigued, GI issues and not feelin like doing much. For the first time, no guilt about it. Mikey will do all the cleaning today, he is a gem. Off to pound Gatorade and watch Law and Order. 

2 days after LAST CHEMO

Slept lots last 2 days, and the dreaded Neulasta is today. This am woke up with raging big D, but I will medicate more for it and be good with food. I keep telling myself only 10 more days of feeling low, maybe less if I am lucky. I can do coffee today and that is a bonus. My sweet kitty did not leave my side all night, she knows!

No tree yet, they should have some out this weekend in the tent places. Monday and Tuesday are big days for me. Meet with radiologist and BS. I am sure to be busy shopping for my surgery supplies soon, as it will likely be within about 10-15 days! I am ready-ordered a cheap zip front sports bra online and will use the list from the board for the looking into big fake prosthesis now hahaha.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Thank you Plotnick

Today is my last free day before my LAST CHEMO, so the cooking madness continues. I really love to cook, and have improved alot from watching all the cooking shows. It is anxiety relieving for me. Got the best news yesterday, the medical bills I sent to the Sylvia Plotnick Foundation all got paid!!! They paid 1,500, so as of today, all my bills are paid! I cried. When I get back to work I am donating funds to this organization. No CEOs, all volunteer, incredible.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Fun in the Woods

Today is pack up prep day for weekend away in the RV in the woods. Going to cook burgers and hot dogs, (organic, no nitrates, grass ed, etc.) and try to be normal. Looking forward to seeing folks and not focusing on the big C. We ride our bikes slowly around the park, see wildlife and just relax in front of the campfire. Also our RV has all the comforts should I need those.

I go for labs today and to onco tomorrow am, and really resent it when I am forced to face reality. Today, yesterday, when feeling good I can almost pretend I do not have cancer at all. All this medical chit makes it real. Damn this real life.

Been educating myself on lymphedema, oh joy. I need to because I will have at least one node removed, and likely alot more plus rads, whic really ups my risk. I should become very skilled with my left hand because it is more common in right handed/right lymph node involved ladies. Super news!

Ech, sorry to be debbie downer but it is very, very depressing. I know it may not strike me, but then I never thought BC would either. AND I quit drinking so no nice glass of wine to sort me out! Hmmm maybe just a glass at camp.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Just chillin

Everyone seems better today, woohoo, me too! I made a very intricate chili recipe, lots of ingredients but very easy. It is unbelievable. Nice to cook, slow and low..... Worth the effort. What the hell, I can eat chili! It is a Christmas miracle!

I am going to bed very early. Slept so good last night, it was awesome...ready to do it again. Listening to Murder on the Orient Express on audible books each night, love it and so relaxing...had lucid dreams too. 

Cleaned my kitchen today and rearranged artwork, house looks better and cheery. I must have clean house. No stinky garbage, nice clean floors and really bothers me if I cannot clean. It gives me an outlet for my OCD too. So nice to have the house open, weather is stupid good. Hubby worked all day and had nice, much needed, alone time. Danced around the kitchen a little while jamming on 80's tunes.

I was not going to do my last round ladies, but wise chemo veterans here convinced me to. I feel powerful again, kick-ass. F&$@ cancer! This chit will be sooowwwwry it picked me.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Well, we can suck the fat outta your ass and put it....

Back from PS. She says best to not do anything till after rads. She says less chance of issues if TEs are put in place after rads have healed, and after fat graftings, so it's BMX, rads, heal, fat grafts, and TEs, then finally implants. No skin and nip sparing, because my cancer spread to at least one node. Works well for smaller sizes and I can stay a B cup size. Will take a year total. She wants nice healthy skin to work with.

I was disappointed but after hearing her explain that TEs should wait, I get it. So.....I will be flat for about 5 months or so till TE placement.

I am numb right now but feeling much as well! Have to get it together and post that later. Weird but in shock.

Lost in Perjeta Pass

Just finished the book Wild. I was almost done with it just before diagnosis. The parallels are unreal--loss, fear, rage, feeling unconnected and lost, dropped in an alien world devoid of safety...all the while searching for peace. Ha! That is my book review, loved it and the audio book is even better.

Feeling good this morning, hoping for some zip today.

Gave some advice to a newbie getting her port. Told her, it's uncomfortable, so take the pain meds. First time they use it, the iv liquids will feel cold, which is unpleasant but only for a few seconds. Also, you can "taste" the saline at times, so suck a hard candy during the flush procedure. Fun times!

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Why I oughta

Made Day Before Payday Fried Rice! It is real easy, delish and healthy and will not hurt me. So proud....that is the full extent of my activities today. Nauseated alot but able to eat.

My hairs are growin back too, weird lookin. My nails are growing like crazy. Polished them nice, they feel strong. Very fatigued all day, had to lay in recliner alot. I slept nice last night too! How nice that is. Goin down soon tonight too, not fighting it.

Listening to loads of old radio mystery noir type audiobooks each night and enjoying getting swept away. The language is lyrical and quaint. Lots of steamppunky London and old school America....The fellas are dreamboats and all the dames have great pins! I am such a dork.

NO more freakin' side effects! It is getting ridiculous. Candy does not like Mondays.

Thursday, November 6, 2014


I was sort of a data analyst pre BC. I analyzed how foolish people get during a divorce case! Nowadays I analyze Judge Mathis......

Feel sickly pregnant with an ill mannered, demon infested tumor baby. It is getting a chemo exorcism though.  

Mikey has a new method of telling people to shut their talk holes. Right when they begin with, "my friend had BC and..." He holds his hands updirectly in front if their mouth and says, "Before you say anything, does this story have a happy ending, or involve only positive information? We are not interested in anything else. Otherwise, stop speaking please." It has stopped more than one fool from ruining my day. 

My onco nurse promises that Herceptin alone is a breeze for most. Oh, cannto freaking wait till chemo is over. Fear going any place for 5-7 days post chemo as the big D is unpredictable. So I am a shut in mostly during that time. 

I am not working now so the days can be long and lonely. Way, way too much time to think.

So my next AND LAST tx is the Friday before Thanksgiving. Am gonna miss my nurses, but also never wish to see them again.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Last Dance with Princess Chemo

Someone in my chemo group articulated very well the emotional sequence we are now experiencing. In the beginning we had no time to process, we operate on adrenaline and guts, appointments and schedules consume us, and we fumble on. Now, with an end to chemo in sight and scary surgery ahead, our emotional needs come screaming to the surface. It happens in each sequence and will really hit when we are "done" with tx entirely. It made me feel better and understand that it is okay!  On the really good side, rads sound like a breeze compared to this. For most. 

So up early and doing much better so far. Yesterday had to lay prone nearly entirely lest I feel the nausea. Today I need to get things done, and hope to be productive and ship out ebay stuff and clean my cluttered house. Mikey is working all day again, good for us both. ICan actually feel hunger this morning, another good sign. 

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Port a Pissy

I of course have a port, but would prefer it be out after chemo, and use a vein for the Herceptin. The port sticks hurt, even when they freeze it. I never let them draw blood from the port, to protect against infection. 

My pal in chemo Eileen told me that she can eat spiced peaches okay, so I just took her advice and they are staying down okay. Had to force them though....better today but have a slight headache, darn it. Waiting till later to shop.

I love Mexican food. Oh, it was a gross error in judgment.  But it was all I wanted....and my body rejected it. That was a rough day. Today it's single serve frozen veggies, a few Stouffers entrees, and other ready made goodies. Including some excellent fried chicken! I have to toss out the lovely salad I made a few days ago, for some reason seeing it makes me feel sick. Well, I tried. 

Update: Made it to the store. Bought garbage like frozen dinners, ice cream, muffins. And some other stuff that Mikey can make himself. Was eating chicken wings in car like an animal driving home, a real fine moment for me! Sort of like the zombies on the living dead... guess I was hungry after all.

Don't cry for me Youtube

Never went out last night for Chinese, managed to eat some potatoes (what else). At least I am losing weight. Slept decent for a change, so will attempt the grocery this morning. I can drink coffee, always a good sign, so maybe today will be better. Looking forward to buying my LAST PACKAGE of Imodium today, wooohooo!  

Was so down yesterday. I went on youtube and watched inspirational videos of ladies after bmx, etc., and cried and cried! It was cathartic.....lots of good ones there by wonderful people. Not as scared now at least. All of them are so much younger than me too, sad.

Monday, November 3, 2014

I need a bucket now

Wish I could car ride but it gives me the worst motion sickness. Never had that before, good times! Really cannot eat anything either...hungry a little but mostly sickened. Would love some Chinese takeout...maybe...I think. Maybe if I drive instead of ride, I will not get car sick? They are open all night so I may make it there yet. Then again, maybe not. Puke, or eat? Think about food, and dry heave? Don't eat, and suffer endless nausea and stomach pains anyway? Hmmmmnnnn....choices.

Guess then I shan't be angry that my induction range is on the fritz and needs service. We had to turn off that breaker as it kept beeping incessantly, for no reason, today. So nice for one's nerves. At least I do not need it to COOK anything. I suppose the timing of my latest food aversions is a silver lining of sorts. My appliance is very considerate, yes?

Number 5 ain't a charm, and I just dunno if I can even do #6. I am just guzzling ginger ale tonight and plan to make it through the whole 32 oz bottle. White knuckling it and praying tomorrow is better.

Train, train...take me on outta this town

Keep thinking ahead and it is only ONE more, but this just sucks. I feel like a train hit me. Again with the Nausea, Big D, and worst fatigue ever. Last round was so good to me! Why? I am very very down. I barely moved yesterday and slept for crap, for 12 hours tossing and turning. 

Oh my god, the scary thoughts about the surgery. Keep dreaming of my onco performing major surgery while I am awake, and she just looks very bored. No distress for me during is the weird part-I am bored too! Also, she resembles Tina Fey. An even brainier version.

Gonna ask my PS if I can keep my nips and skin. Special K says it may be possible, but still means TE. Well.. I find out soon enough. I may decide to do a flap. I have no idea of what i want or am a candidate for. Too much to think about, overwhelming. So... give up for now.

This chit is kickin my ass.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Enough already with the friggin needles

I am gearing up for it-today is Neuplasta day. HATE it but must be done.
I hope my little heart is okay, all this chemo can damage it. This scares me. Will get another MUGA after chemo.

New odd SE yesterday with food-total aversion, but not due to nausea---just...could not care less. Ate zero all day and had no hunger pangs. Had to force myself to eat dinner, and a small salad. Things do lack taste. I will take it over the sick feeling, smell issues and the big D! Also, I slept for 14 hours so I guess this round knocked me out too. We are shopping after Neuplasta shot, then no plans except house stuff as SE allow. Hope to cook alot today, love to bake and it is chilly out. 
Yes, there will be cake involved. 

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Happy Halloween! Chemo #5 DONE

Chemo #5 went well, we actually had fun, thanks to the best nurses on the planet! They all wore some kind of head costume and we laughed the whole time. Even the head honcho nurse came in and took a photo of my witch drawing! They all know me now and lots made special trips onto our room to visit. It really touched me.

Coffee tastes a bit off today and already the taste buds are blown, but could be worse. It is finally getting cooler here, thank gawd. Cool weather in Florida is such a treat, rare and precious! Funny how alot of things strike me that way now. Guess I just am more aware.

Neuplasta and me. Only $7,500 per shot!

Chemo is one thing and Neulasta is another. But together, they made me feel toxic and miserable.

Simplified, Neulasta makes your bones produce more white blood cells, because chemo kills them off along with the cancer. We really need those WBCs as it turns out. My long bones ache deeply as if a horrendous flu is coming on. Claritin, of all things, takes the edge off. But I really begin to dread the Neulasta shot itself, because the needle is long and injected in the BACK of my triceps. It takes time to slowly push it, otherwise, it really hurts. I only have to protest the speed a few times. The syringes are a nightmare to look at. Mike says they remind him of the Terminator with their sleek, cold lines and strangely mechanical appearance. Soon I am calling it Newblasta, and laughing it off. But really those injections are awful and I will cry about them every time, in private, when no one is looking. 

Friday, October 24, 2014

The Bald and the Beautiful

Did lose 10 pounds during initial dx through 2nd chemo. Till recently was only able to eat high carb crap, so no more loss, but no gain either. I need to lose more but am just getting through chemo for now, so not pushing it. Weird, round four and I am HUNGRY now! Had zero appetite before, just did protein drinks. 

I met an angel in the grocery store today. We locked eyes, she being bald and me being bald under a hat. We nodded in unison and recognition. She told me that they gave her 3 years, she had brain cancer, but this was her 7th! Her hair will not grow back over the top of her scars, so she shaves the rest of it. What a beautiful, glowing energy she had, she just radiated joy and health! Her eyes sparkled and she had on lovely earrings and boho clothing. She gave zero F's about anyone not being comfortable with her baldness. She rocked it!

I nearly whipped my own hat off too. I will remember her for a long time.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Thai food cures it all

Perjeta is my friend, and cutting edge meds. I admit to having Big D, awful at times BUT it was mainly what I was puttin in my talk hole! It can be controlled with diet and meds, right? Still better to have some D than cancer. Now, the first 3x, I also suffered crippling nausea, which sucked like nothing else...BUT. I still would keep Perjeta, as it can also me managed. Full disclosure, not sure my issues were all due to Perjeta, could be any of the other three.

Terrible Tumor Twins, bye bye!

Hell to the Yes! My onco said Perjeta and Herceptin work like magic to shrink the Terrible Tumor Twins. 
I am wondering if they gave me a placebo, as I continue to feel so good! Got a silly costume ready for Halloween chemo, if I am feeling it. F
ound an excellent charity - all volunteer and give financial assistance to all women in need of medical bill assistance. No CEO overhead! The founder had IDC breast cancer but they give funds for any medical needs, such as copays and balances not covered by insurance. Women helping women.....we are awesome!

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Well, I don't really have any f&^ks left to give

Liberating to not have to try to be pretty, happy and positive. I am more and more okay with being sad and whatever other emotions come during this process, and not groveling in it, just not hiding it to try and protect others from feeling uncomfortable. Too much energy to keep up appearances, and our real friends get it. Those that cannot handle the reality, well...see ya! Already I am marking off some folks from my circle. Others are closer than ever.

Making breakfast soon, eggs, sausage, potatoes, grits, waffles with blueberry syrup, coffee and juice! What a blessing to enjoy food again.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Cancer filled and friendly fired

In no time, the treatments take me down to zero. Amidst the shock of the unexpected diagnosis, the immediate and looming physical, emotional and financial horrors, it's not possible for me to entertain even working part-time. 

I am a shell. Damaged. Useless.  

For 25 years I've been a paralegal and I know lots of shit - about the law and procedure to be sure, but also, I'm an excellent assistant. My abilities to conjure are amazing. No situation intimidates me. I type in excess of 100 wpm and rarely make a mistake. I am hyper-organized and fast. Court personnel, opposing counsel and clients love me. 

When I was diagnosed, I had been working for my boss for 6 years. If I survive initially, they've ruined me for future employment anywhere else. Nothing will ever come close.  

They take me aside and tell to me: stop working and get treatment. Give all your energy and thoughts to healing. You will have a job if you want it when you are done. Just go take care of yourself. Working here is not in your best interest if you want to survive. 

And so, without any drama, on August 20, 2014 I leave my office for the last time. The concern on their faces is frightening, so I crack jokes about new boobs and other things I cannot remember. Near my house, I stop to cry at a park.

It's a long while before I make it home. 


Miss my organic red taste for it now. 

I think that this chit has a huge creep factor. It really has begun to creep up on me emotionally, just lately. Am sure it is a delayed normal healthy response to the rush of dx and tx horrors. I barely had time to cry, was in chemo within 7 days.

So...... my tx center does not ring a gong at conclusion....but they assure me they do something. Dayam! I want to BANG that thing in November.

Only a few more to go.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Holding on

The fatigue. I want to stop taking chemo, so much at times. But today is a treasure, a surprise. I woke up hungry and made breakfast! And it tastes great! And smells are not making me dry heave! And a normal bm! It is the little things....

Think I got my meds right. Skipping the gross melting oral Zofran and take the other pill, and it works great for nausea. Then every other night, take one Imodium. And eat nothing that will set me off. And drinking tons of water and diluted fruit juice with ice. Also, taking my probiotic. Think its's the right combo. Also, always have a tiny bit of carbs in my tummy. After chemo, am doing a diet overhaul.

But, have Neulasta aches today so am medicating. If I can just hold on.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Suck it Cancer!

Ice sucking does prevent mouth sores. Very hard last few days and just....blech. I worry about progression and things I have zero control over. Dark places to be, but remember, the light is there, we can do it 2 more times! I napped today and give into the need for sleep whenever I can. It seems to help. 

I get caught up in why me and anger thinking and it is useless, but at times hard to stop. Must remember: Be kind to yourself. Halloween ghoulies we are, my next tx is on Halloween. How fucking fitting. Thinking of dressing up as a freaky bald clown or a zombie, neither of which will require much makeup. Dressing up would be a big FU to cancer! Suck it, IDC! Hmmmm...maybe I will.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Gut puncher aka chemo #4

Meh, Food tastes crappy already and feels like I have been punched in the guts. Was so hopeful to escape this time from the nasty stuff. Maybe better tomorrow? My mood is very low too, depressed as all hell. Think it is just hard sometimes, to keep being positive. so draining. So for tonight I won't try. 

I wonder if the key lime pie will taste good. time like the present! Then Melatonin and I give up. 

Day after Chemo #4

Day after #4, not restful sleep last night but okay. Going to grocery store with Mikey soon, it is always an adventure! Am making 2 things this week, veggie beef soup and shepherds pie. Hope I can eat it too, but poor Mikester feel like I am neglecting him so want to try and cook normal. Cereal this morning was tasty cheerios. Already have all the BRAT diet stuff......feeling very fatigued, need a nap soon. 

Loads of free kindle books downloaded, I shamelessy confess to liking apocalyptic fiction with zombies. It is such an escape, and silly. And it feels fitting somehow, feel zombie like so much of the time! Be assured though, their diet is a turn off...

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Liver enzymes

Liver enzymes, another new term for me to learn. 

Mine are up from 40 to 100, PA says not super bad and chemo will go forward tomorrow. Asked if I was drinking alcohol, but I gave it up July 29. Voicemail, have not talked to her yet.... So, is it from Taxotere? Damnit!! As long as they are watching I suppose it will be okay. Been lucky so far without major issues. This may affect my ability to take tylenol after neulasta though, frig! I will ask her tomorrow. 

Eating mexican food as my last meal before #4 tomorrow! Back to BRAT diet after, sighs.

Scanners and the eye of the tiger

No pet scan for me, just MRIs of thorax and abdomen, and bone scan, and the MRI where they inject you beforehand and your boobs are hanging out.

I just began a probiotic for GI issues, it has really helped me. I have only had Big D issues, no C. Reduces bloating and pain, keeps things together. When can I say 
I am a survivor? That word is very powerful and I want to use it. 

I have to take a Xanax before chemo, it helps. My friend stopped by last night and gifted me with lovely things, including a leopard print baseball cap!! It is quite bodacious and I am wearing it to tomorrow's tx.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Dumb comments

The dumb comments. I only got as far as saying my cancer is ER positive before a friend dove into a monologue about using estrogen cream on her ladybits due to a UTI, and then asking me if she was going to get cancer from it! Uhmmm, really? I thought we were talking about me. Then she just keeps on talking about herself, the excruciating details of her drama filled escapades. Always all about her......funny how I never noticed before dx. 

Monday, October 6, 2014

October 6, 2014-Just like Lady and the Tramp....

I never know what will repulse me so end up dragging my aching body to the store every few days, and buying whatever does not make me dry heave at that particular moment. Trying to eat more fruit and veg this round. I hate refined carbs and processed food, and have been forced to eat them nearly to exclusion. Four more good days before next chemo, I can eat whatever I want now! Going to enjoy spaghetti with sauce, jalapeno cheese, milk with cereal, pizza, yum! 

Wonder if my hair will grow back after chemo, when I will be on perjeta and herceptin alone for 6 months? Am starting to miss it. Mourning my breasts too--they are REALLY getting surgically removed and they are trying to kill me. It is going to get very intense real soon and I am not sure I can joke my way through that, like I have been doing so far.

Friday, October 3, 2014

October 3, 2014-Rads and me, part one

Was told right away that I need radiation too and am dreading it. However, I am not so scared any more and sort of want them to zap the crap out of any remaining bad cells. I think that chemo and surgery may be the worst of it. 

Finally said the words "I have breast cancer" out loud. It still seems unreal. My counselor says it takes at least ONE YEAR to accept the dx, and so we have had no time to adjust. Unable to rally when I am feeling horrid. Remembering chemo will be over soon and on to the next phase, which is sure to suck in different ways. So. Trying to look past chemo but truly do dread the remainder of it. 

Thursday, October 2, 2014

October 4, 2014-Cupcakes, fried chicken

I have so much trouble 2 weeks post chemo. Most things repulse me, except of course for cupcakes, cake, and fried chicken. My onco said just go ahead and eat what I want right now but try not to gain any weight. I am overweight now by about 30 pounds. A gal in my support club posted about Cap'n Crunch, and that sounded so darn good-I have a box in the pantry ha ha. The only other thing I can eat post chemo is potatoes. So tired of them! Mashed, fried, tater tots, baked, boiled. Beginning to hate them.

I am walking every night and that really feels good. No eye problems for me yet.

Oh, radiation.  I've been reading the boards and it doesn't sound too horrible. It really sounds a lot less horrible than chemo! We can do this.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Perjeta and Me, a Love Hate relationship

Let's get the awkward part out of the way. My love affair with Perjeta was brief, intense, lifesaving and ruinous. By the end, I will be broken in body and spirit, and longing for more. How will I survive without it, this powerful thing? Its properties are magical, immediate and astonishing. It will transform me. But like all transformations, there will be pain, unraveling and ugliness.

We are introduced by Drs. Nora and Silver on a hot day in August. I only know its proper name and do no due diligence and let it inside me with no idea of its horrifically beautiful force. Within 4 days, it has taken me over. My body is no longer my own.

The tumors, multi-focal, begin to die. The feeling is like electrical zaps, but does not exactly hurt. Intuitively I realize that something magnificent is occurring in my body. I rejoice because I know this is good. It's worth it, the nausea, the fatigue, the feeling of being overcome with poison. It cannot get worse, right? Then the diarrhea begins.

And diarrhea is in no way sufficient to describe the experience.

There is about a 10 second interval between urge and purge. There is no warning, no cramps, no time. Unlike normal bowel function, there is no freaking way to control this tide. Any attempt to clench my sphincter is laughable, and meets with embarrassing failure. My hallway will get lots of Clorox mopping, and lots of clothes tossed out. Perjeta may be a cancer assassin but it will make you shit yourself, your car, and vast portions of your home during the process. Soon I am calling myself Olympic shitting champion! I call out my accomplishments to my husband during the worst times, as I white-knuckle the bowl and shudder in relief. "And.......there she goes! She has eaten nothing for days, yet look at the river of crap! And the trajectories! The splattering! She's going for the gold!"

My husband, poor bastard, humors me by shouting back sick encouragement, then tosses in some air freshener. It repeats this way after each treatment, for months. So by the time we part ways, Perjeta and I have loved, hurt and healed each other. I cannot ever forget the time we spent together.

So......remember. Ride the Perjeta wave, if it is offered. It is like that roller coaster you are in awe of, yet terrified by. Expect thrills and terror, and to lose a part of yourself. But maybe if you and I are lucky, it will leave us with a little bit of something to remember in old age.

Now all I need is a flying house

experiencing extreme highs and lows mentally. How about 12 days out from my third chemo now, and finally feel human. I did not anticipate such drastic and ongoing digestive issues, just thought I would be tired! The never ending nausea is the worst. Nothing they prescribe, or any home remedies totally remove it, it still lingers, torturing me. Today it finally seems to be relenting and at least the Big D is under control. I miss the halcyon days of my prior excellent health.

I'm dreading the rest of my chemo but then I try and feel my tumors - and cannot find them!. I picture them like the wicked witch in Oz...skittering around to quickly, green and black and full of evil, with a winged monkey tossed in here and there. And perjeta is the rain! "I'm meeeeelltiiiiiiiiiiing.." Herceptin then is Glinda the Good Witch, and every wave of her wand (infusion) spreads glittery good health to me and glowing death to tumors and confused cells!

I watched that movie waaaaay too much as a child. 

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Evil twins

I can't wait to evict the fucking tumor twins. I could only ever feel two..armpit and top middle of breast. Surgery will be next step after chemo, then radiation. 

Meanwhile, welcome to the metallics! 

Ahhh, the joys of chemo. Plastic utensils help with the metalmouth. I have never been so hungry and simultaneously nauseated. Captain Crunch is on my shopping list now, it's all I want.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Thanks for Nothin, Eddie Money

Maybe worse than chemo is the utter lack of control I know have over my own life and body. It is making me nuts. From a normal existence to an unemployed, sickly cancer patient in 10 days! I thought I had control over all...was very career oriented, involved in complex cases where my talents were appreciated and welcomed.

Nowadays my biggest decisions are--Jello or dry toast, how many naps can I take, and hey, wonder what books they have at Goodwill today! And you know, for now, it is okay. The less I cling to who I was, the better it is. The energy required to mourn my former life is too costly. 

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Don't call me Muffy

I have head rash.. I think it may be ingrown hairs busting out. Oddly, the very cheap VO five shampoo seems to be the best for it. 

Claritin and Tylenol are working like a charm. Bone pain minimal. Just fatigued.
Not to be indelicate but there is nothing like having a solid bowel movement. After last months horror of the big D, I want to proclaim it from the rooftops! Sick, but It really is the little things. I had to branch out with food, eating way more processed than I wish, but the only appealing things are muffins, pudding, jello, chicken breast, mild frozen burritos, protein drinks and donuts. Soup and pasta repel me now. Will try fresh fruit today as I am doing so well.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The Chemo Angel finally got her ass down here

So far number three is nothing compared to the first two rounds. 

I probably shouldn't even say those words, how can this be?! But it's true --- I'm nearly 5 days out and got my Neulasta yesterday and feel pretty good. I just have a very low-grade nausea that I'm working on but it's doable. NO BIG D! I'm cleaning the house and making Yankee pot roast for my DH. 

Things helping me today: plain rotisserie chicken breast, special K protein drink, wearing sea bands, a fresh scented candle, sleeping in late, a hot shower, gentle yoga.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Shit they tell me...

I was told by social worker the trick is not to look too far ahead --- she said focus on what is directly in front of you only --- and that really works. My tumor pains as it dies encourages me. I LOVE that pain!

So was there a neulasta hijacking in Florida? Yesterday we went to get my shot and guess what, not only was the hospital out but he called around and two other hospitals were also out! I have to traipse down there later.

Got me thinking again, that I need to scrape together some funds that invest in the pharmaceutical company that makes it. I never heard of the hospital running out of drugs! Bad inventory control or high demand? Ugh. 

Happy Monday all and minimal SE's! I will be back to complain of Neulasta soon.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Chemo #3 and me

One of my friends is having problems with her liver. I too am overweight and really need to drop some pounds. It is not easy - wanted to do a raw food diet but find it impossible with the state of my intestines and gut right now, so I'm doing a lot of soups with organic vegetables cooked very well, but still do better with carbohydrates.... Rice, potatoes, bread, all the things that bloat. 

I had Chemo three today and no problems yet, but I'm learning that the problems start to creep up after Neulasta shot. Anyway I'm ready. Claritin and tylenol! Going to be doing a lot of smoothies, with almond milk bananas and maybe peanut butter if I can tolerate it. 

I tell myself: rest, hydrate, pray, meditate, cry, eat what you can, walk, whatever you need to do to get through this chit. 

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Yes, numbers 3 and 4 are gonna suck

My nose hair is MIA so I always have a runny sort of bloody nose too. I have number three on Friday and so far I still have eyebrows and eyelashes. 

Is it true that numbers three and four are really bad for side effects? I guess it's probably different for everyone. 

I have plenty of soup and soft foods ready this time, won't make the mistake of trying to eat spicy food this round.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

BMX, wigs and me

Doing MUCH BETTER!  Normal now thank gawd for 10 good days a month!  Next chemo is 9/19, then I am halfway done. Talked to onco and she recommends BMX, due to HER+ and my breast tissue being so dense, my tumors don't show on mammos. Do not want to have ultrasounds every 6 mos, and never wish to repeat this! And I am getting implants so want them to match as well. 

My Raquel Welch wigs are super cute, highly recommend her brand. 

Meanwhile, i developed high BP, maybe from stress and chemo. Damn. 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Nacho normal nausea

My support group gave me great ideas and helpful info. I was not good, until my iv infusion a week ago and that was better. But 2 days after though, the nausea and sick feeling started again albeit at a lower level. 

Still, I can't ride in a car because the feelings never totally go away...tried Seabands, ginger gum and nothing works. I've tried immodium for the trots but it didn't work. I tried the zofran and the other med for nausea and they did nothing at all. 

This being said, I know now that my food choices are the issue! Mexican food--was trying to eat taco salad ha ha. Also eating cheese and other dairy--big mistake! And many other things i was warned not to. Duh!

After reading all my new friends' tips I am on the BRAT diet now. Also, no coffee. Also will talk to onco for alternative meds tomorrow. 

Thanks for being there for me ladies. No one else gets it!

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Well, looks like me and the toilet are gonna be BFFs

I need to vent. Ever since my last chemo I've had nonstop nausea and diarrhea. Got a transfusion and liquid anti-nausea meds and that helped for a while, but once again I just got off the throne. Blasting liquid diarrhea--what fun! 

I guess I'm going to have to go on an all liquid diet or something that will get me through this. Trying to eat regular food and maybe it's my fault. See oncologist Friday and maybe she can give me something else...but I don't know what if anything they can do. The first chemo had no problem and I do have two front-line anti-nausea meds already. Neither of them did crap for me this time.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Diary Entry, 09-05-14-Boston Beth to my rescue

I've been out of my mind the last few days. Feeling awful. Went to give labs and Nurse Beth from Boston took one glance at me and said, "Yeah, I'm calling your doctor because you look dehydrated."  I am so glad she did, because I was so dry from all the nausea and diarrhea it's been horrible. Lesson learned-you cannot muscle through chemo without some help