Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Zero

The cancer may be gone, but its destruction continues. The trauma of diagnosis, chemo, radiation and medication decimate me, body and soul. My 50 pound weight gain, lost mobility and joint pain make me miserable and clumsy. Sleep is fragmented, energy zero. 

My first attempt at getting in shape in 2015 results in a torn hamstring that does not heal. The pain is enormous and constant, the limb weak so I tear another compensating muscle. A cane is required to simply walk and the next 6 months are spent icing, wrapping, elevating and limping along.  

It's a dark time. There is temptation to give up. Obese people understand this - when even getting up out of a chair is difficult and painful, what's the point? Maybe better to just bring on the fried chicken, if this is my life now. Perhaps one day some cute fireman will cut down a wall to remove my 700 pound corpse, still clutching dead chicken bones. 

That tiny spark of my battered spirit though...she's a feisty bitch that never gives up on me even though I've done so in every meaningful way. 

Since I feel like Zero, where better to begin? That leg protests immediately. It aches, my moves are clumsy and unbalanced, with limited range of motion. Pilates Core for Beginners is incredibly difficult, because my core is rotten. I continue. 

The leg stops aching and the tightness eases so I add short, low impact cardio and small weights. Mobility, balance and endurance improve. Within a month, my clothes are looser and my joints no longer ache. When rising from a sitting position, the stiffness and stone-like muscle lock are gone. 

Yesterday was a rest day - was tempted to workout because already my day does not feel right without it. I didn't though. No reason to rush it.