Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Evil twins


I can't wait to evict the fucking tumor twins. I could only ever feel two..armpit and top middle of breast. Surgery will be next step after chemo, then radiation. 

Meanwhile, welcome to the metallics! 

Ahhh, the joys of chemo. Plastic utensils help with the metalmouth. I have never been so hungry and simultaneously nauseated. Captain Crunch is on my shopping list now, it's all I want.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Thanks for Nothin, Eddie Money

Maybe worse than chemo is the utter lack of control I know have over my own life and body. It is making me nuts. From a normal existence to an unemployed, sickly cancer patient in 10 days! I thought I had control over all...was very career oriented, involved in complex cases where my talents were appreciated and welcomed.

Nowadays my biggest decisions are--Jello or dry toast, how many naps can I take, and hey, wonder what books they have at Goodwill today! And you know, for now, it is okay. The less I cling to who I was, the better it is. The energy required to mourn my former life is too costly. 

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Don't call me Muffy

I have head rash.. I think it may be ingrown hairs busting out. Oddly, the very cheap VO five shampoo seems to be the best for it. 

Claritin and Tylenol are working like a charm. Bone pain minimal. Just fatigued.
Not to be indelicate but there is nothing like having a solid bowel movement. After last months horror of the big D, I want to proclaim it from the rooftops! Sick, but It really is the little things. I had to branch out with food, eating way more processed than I wish, but the only appealing things are muffins, pudding, jello, chicken breast, mild frozen burritos, protein drinks and donuts. Soup and pasta repel me now. Will try fresh fruit today as I am doing so well.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The Chemo Angel finally got her ass down here

So far number three is nothing compared to the first two rounds. 

I probably shouldn't even say those words, how can this be?! But it's true --- I'm nearly 5 days out and got my Neulasta yesterday and feel pretty good. I just have a very low-grade nausea that I'm working on but it's doable. NO BIG D! I'm cleaning the house and making Yankee pot roast for my DH. 

Things helping me today: plain rotisserie chicken breast, special K protein drink, wearing sea bands, a fresh scented candle, sleeping in late, a hot shower, gentle yoga.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Shit they tell me...

I was told by social worker the trick is not to look too far ahead --- she said focus on what is directly in front of you only --- and that really works. My tumor pains as it dies encourages me. I LOVE that pain!

So was there a neulasta hijacking in Florida? Yesterday we went to get my shot and guess what, not only was the hospital out but he called around and two other hospitals were also out! I have to traipse down there later.

Got me thinking again, that I need to scrape together some funds that invest in the pharmaceutical company that makes it. I never heard of the hospital running out of drugs! Bad inventory control or high demand? Ugh. 

Happy Monday all and minimal SE's! I will be back to complain of Neulasta soon.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Chemo #3 and me


One of my friends is having problems with her liver. I too am overweight and really need to drop some pounds. It is not easy - wanted to do a raw food diet but find it impossible with the state of my intestines and gut right now, so I'm doing a lot of soups with organic vegetables cooked very well, but still do better with carbohydrates.... Rice, potatoes, bread, all the things that bloat. 

I had Chemo three today and no problems yet, but I'm learning that the problems start to creep up after Neulasta shot. Anyway I'm ready. Claritin and tylenol! Going to be doing a lot of smoothies, with almond milk bananas and maybe peanut butter if I can tolerate it. 

I tell myself: rest, hydrate, pray, meditate, cry, eat what you can, walk, whatever you need to do to get through this chit. 

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Yes, numbers 3 and 4 are gonna suck

My nose hair is MIA so I always have a runny sort of bloody nose too. I have number three on Friday and so far I still have eyebrows and eyelashes. 

Is it true that numbers three and four are really bad for side effects? I guess it's probably different for everyone. 

I have plenty of soup and soft foods ready this time, won't make the mistake of trying to eat spicy food this round.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

BMX, wigs and me


Doing MUCH BETTER!  Normal now thank gawd for 10 good days a month!  Next chemo is 9/19, then I am halfway done. Talked to onco and she recommends BMX, due to HER+ and my breast tissue being so dense, my tumors don't show on mammos. Do not want to have ultrasounds every 6 mos, and never wish to repeat this! And I am getting implants so want them to match as well. 

My Raquel Welch wigs are super cute, highly recommend her brand. 

Meanwhile, i developed high BP, maybe from stress and chemo. Damn. 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Nacho normal nausea


My support group gave me great ideas and helpful info. I was not good, until my iv infusion a week ago and that was better. But 2 days after though, the nausea and sick feeling started again albeit at a lower level. 

Still, I can't ride in a car because the feelings never totally go away...tried Seabands, ginger gum and nothing works. I've tried immodium for the trots but it didn't work. I tried the zofran and the other med for nausea and they did nothing at all. 

This being said, I know now that my food choices are the issue! Mexican food--was trying to eat taco salad ha ha. Also eating cheese and other dairy--big mistake! And many other things i was warned not to. Duh!

After reading all my new friends' tips I am on the BRAT diet now. Also, no coffee. Also will talk to onco for alternative meds tomorrow. 

Thanks for being there for me ladies. No one else gets it!

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Well, looks like me and the toilet are gonna be BFFs

I need to vent. Ever since my last chemo I've had nonstop nausea and diarrhea. Got a transfusion and liquid anti-nausea meds and that helped for a while, but once again I just got off the throne. Blasting liquid diarrhea--what fun! 

I guess I'm going to have to go on an all liquid diet or something that will get me through this. Trying to eat regular food and maybe it's my fault. See oncologist Friday and maybe she can give me something else...but I don't know what if anything they can do. The first chemo had no problem and I do have two front-line anti-nausea meds already. Neither of them did crap for me this time.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Diary Entry, 09-05-14-Boston Beth to my rescue

I've been out of my mind the last few days. Feeling awful. Went to give labs and Nurse Beth from Boston took one glance at me and said, "Yeah, I'm calling your doctor because you look dehydrated."  I am so glad she did, because I was so dry from all the nausea and diarrhea it's been horrible. Lesson learned-you cannot muscle through chemo without some help

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Chemo with Neuplasta Chasers

Any thought about working during chemotherapy vanishes within 48 hours. I blame the Neuplasta shot, but it's really the combo. Each shot of Neuplasta costs $7,500, and I must have it after each chemo. The math makes me feel sicker. 

Chemotherapy is to be feared for a reason. Already I want to say fuck it. Never have I felt so horrid and we've only just begun. Karen Carpenter's angelic voice runs incessantly through my head like a cockroach on crack.

If you've ever had a bad flu, imagine that times 1000. My body aches ferociously. For the first time I'm aware of each place that arthritis has been hiding. My hips are the worst, along with the bottom of my right foot, but every bone hurts. Over the next 10 days the side effects, grow, fade and new ones join in. Queasiness. Diarrhea. Aversion to food and water. Creeping fatigue. Moon face from the steroids. Sadness and despair. 

Reading the handouts on chemo destroys my attitude, so they go into a box that goes in a drawer. I don't want to know anything more.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014


I had my mini meltdown last week. Second chemo was Friday and I slept for the next 48 hours basically. Feel so much better today. Got the shot on Sunday have been doing Claritin and Tylenol - no major bone pain. 

When I think of where I was three or four weeks ago, planning to work through treatment I have to laugh. I can't comprehend the idea of trying to go into that office today. It is such a blessing not to have to.